Virus Alert!
I don't know if you are a fan of Weird Al Yankovic, like our family is. If you are a fan and have been listening to all of his music, you have likely heard this song. If you haven't, I highly recommend finding it on your music service and listening to it. Stop reading right now, and go and listen. Go ahead!
Now, welcome back. I think now that you've heard it, you will understand my technical take on this: as we listen to this, I tell the kids which warnings in the song are possible, and which aren't. While listening to my playlist at the gym this morning, it came on, and it occurred to me that more of the warnings in the song are possible now, than when my kids were younger. Let's make a list of these warnings, and identify which ones actually may happen, and which ones may not. I think you'd be surprised, what an expert's analysis indicates. I am also going to predict which ones may become possible in the next few years, with Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things (always wondered what IoT stood for??).
First, the Feasibility is on a scale from 0 (Impossible) to 5 (Absolutely possible). Then, I establish a feasibility now, as of 2019, as well as in the future (meaning probably in the next 10 years, but really any time).
| # |
Warning |
Feasibility Now |
Future Feasability |
| 1 |
Translate
your documents into Swahili |
5 |
5 |
| 2 |
Make your TV record "Gigli" |
1 |
3 |
| 3 |
Neuter
your pets |
0 |
2 |
| 4 |
Give your laundry static cling |
1 |
5 |
| 5 |
Make
your computer screen freeze |
5 |
5 |
| 6 |
Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs |
0 |
0 |
| 7 |
Erase
your hard drive and your backups too |
2 |
5 |
| 8 |
And the hard drives of anyone related to
you |
1 |
3 |
| 9 |
Make
the paint peel off your walls |
0 |
1 |
| 10 |
Make your keyboard all sticky |
0 |
0 |
| 11 |
Give
your poodle a hickey |
0 |
0 |
| 12 |
Invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney |
5 |
5 |
| 13 |
Tie up your phone making crank
long distance calls |
1 |
3 |
| 14 |
Set your clocks back an hour |
2 |
5 |
| 15 |
Start
clogging the shower |
0 |
0 |
| 16 |
Give you a permanent wedgie |
0 |
0 |
| 17 |
Legally
change your name to Reggie |
1 |
2 |
| 18 |
Mess up the pH balance in your pool |
0 |
3 |
| 19 |
Melt
your face right off your skull |
0 |
0 |
| 20 |
Make your iPod only play Jethro Tull |
0 |
3 |
| 21 |
Tell you knock-knock jokes while
you're trying to sleep |
1 |
5 |
| 22 |
Make you physically attracted to sheep |
0 |
0 |
| 23 |
Steal
your identity and your credit cards |
5 |
5 |
| 24 |
Buy you a warehouse full of pink
leotards |
5 |
5 |
| 25 |
Cause
a major rift in time and space |
0 |
0 |
| 26 |
Leave a
bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place |
0 |
0 |
| 27 |
Email
your grandmother all of your porn |
5 |
5 |
Did any of them surprise you? For those whose feasibility values changed, let's discuss my reasoning behind that:
2. Make your TV record "Gigli
Since many of us use streaming TV services, it is quite possible that a hack of them will make it record shows you have no control over. Whether or not Ben Affleck and J Lo will be on that recording, well, that's another matter entirely.
3. Neuter your pets
"What?" you may say, "You are crazy!" Believe it or not, I think services like picking up your pet and having things done will become more of a thing, as people get more and more reliant upon technology, and pay less and less attention to the details of life. A simple hack would make it possible to order a neuter service, have them come and pick it up, and pay for it too.
4. Give your laundry static cling
"Now I know you're whacked!" you say. But wait! Think of the IoT. This brings more and more things connected, and if you get the "smart" devices (which I refuse to), a hack could control them. The device manufacturers, as has been shown, are not security experts, nor do may do even the basic due diligence (shame on them!). Heck, the phone system Caller ID is still stuck back in the 1990's vintage protocol it originally was devised with. I absolutely believe that appliance manufacturers do (and will) drop the security ball, and let hackers do things like maliciously control their devices, even to changing dryer settings and giving your clothes static cling. And, I fully have faith in Human nature, that there are hackers out there who will do it just to laugh at it. So I give this one a 1 now, simply because most people don't have smart laundry machines yet, but as they do, it will become absolutely feasible.
7. Erase your hard drive and your backups too
Obviously erasing your hard drive is certainly one of the things viruses can do; but your backups? If you use online backup services, this can be a risk as well. I'd say, definitely could happen. I put a higher future feasibility simply because I believe more people will go to cloud backups.
8. And the hard drives of anyone related to you
Definitely - as social media security has been a big issue lately, and Facebook, for example, has fallen way short of protecting user privacy, this is a big and growing risk.
9. Make the paint peel off your walls
Bear with me here. You know how they have smart lightbulbs, and smart outlets? Smart paint. It will be a thing. Yeah, not very likely, so I didn't put it as a 5. But who knows?
13. Tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
What is a "long distance" call? We almost don't know anymore! International calls are still costlier, but even calls to Canada and Mexico are treated as domestic US calls nowadays. Anyhow, as our "telephone" devices become computers, I say the risk becomes higher that this is more likely.
14. Set your clocks back an hour
Don't even get me started on Daylight Savings Time - just abolish it and be done with it. Until then, yes, as clocks are more and more connected (I use my Apple Watch and "phone" as a clock almost entirely), they are more and more open to this risk.
17. Legally change your name to Reggie
While I admit that would be tragic, I don't think this is very likely. However, state run records systems where you change your name legally are certainly electronic, and therefore vulnerable. I'd give this a low but real risk.
18. Mess up the pH balance in your pool
Yeah, you know where I'm going with this one. IoT. As great as it may seem to connect everything, I think we need to think more about A) should we, and B) how do we do it, because if we do it in a way that is off-the-shelf, it becomes widely open and widely vulnerable to the same security flaws that everyone and everything else suffers from. So, is the pool management system connected via WiFi?
20. Make your iPod play only Jethro Tull
What's wrong with Jethro Tull??? And besides, Apple security is primo, so they can't hack that! But seriously, when I think of iPod, I mean any music playing device - including Alexa, Home Pod, Google Assistant, let alone your "phone." I'd say this could become more and more possible over time, as things get more and more connected. Indeed, look at the Apple products, all interconnected and working together. If someone changes a playlist on one device, all the devices using that account are synced.
21. Tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
Yup. Alexa. Home Pod. Etc. You already heard of the flaw that let an Alexa user broadcast continuously what was going on in their home to someone else without their knowledge? Imagine when (not if) someone figures out how to hack Alexa, and exploits some vulnerability. I think it is quite possible, and growing over time, that they could get it to suddenly blurt out knock knock jokes (among other things) in the middle of the night.
So, that's my analysis, and yes, Weird Al is a visionary! Rock on!
